User talk:Elisethirteen
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the Thirteen - the stolen cells page. Please be sure to read all of the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! ClericofMadness (talk) 10:22, August 28, 2017 (UTC) Your Story Alright, this is going to be long and I'm already exhausted, so I'm going to get this over with. Your story doesn't meet the QS. You leave unanswered questions. No, answering them outside of the story doesn't do anything. First, let's start off with the title. Every major word should be capitalized. It should be: "Thirteen - the Stolen Cells" Secondly, you need to go over grammar and punctuation rules. Thoroughly. The story is full of errors. You need to start a new paragraph when there is a new speaker. Having your dialogue start in mid-paragraph is off-putting. There's a lot of clunky phrasing. Now, the meat of your work. First, the experiment. "Can a living being be made from pure cells?" Answer: Yes. That's how all living beings are made. You need to elaborate and clarify, or it just comes across as unscientific from an allegedly scientific character. What kind of cells does she mean? Stem cells? Cancer cells? Wheel bug cells? Synthetic cells? It takes going through and trying to piece what little bit of elaboration you had in the story to figure any of it out. It's a flawed premise from the get-go. Right after the first paragraph, you switch perspectives. That doesn't help the reader understand anything. That just throws things off and confuses the reader. You're not helping us understand Angela's point of view; you're confusing it. Sticking with one perspective would make things a hell of a lot better on that end. So she went to prison for stealing cells and samples. Why steal them in the first place? She could have asked for funding. She could have proposed the experiment. You skip right to the 'She needs to steal them' part. Artificial wombs are becoming a thing; there's literally no reason provided as to why she needs to steal them beyond plot-induced necessity. It doesn't work. Also, she somehow stole a human-sized vat. Something that probably weighs more than the average person could just pick up and sneak off with. Another thing to mention is that the moment she was caught, all of the property would be confiscated and either destroyed or returned to its rightful owners. For a scientist, she doesn't seem to use many scientific terms. Hell, we're just told she's a scientist and left at that. We have to infer that she's a biologist. Another thing to point out: [“I can’t believe they didn’t catch me this time” Angela laughed, putting her hand in her black dyed hair. This didn’t surprise her, after years of sneaking out with substances like these for the science lab, she was pretty sure that she would of succeeded in this task again, and she was correct.] I've italicized the dialogue and bolded the next sentence in order to point out that it's contradicting itself. She's not surprised that they didn't catch her, but she's surprised that they didn't catch her. Okay, then. What are we supposed to think? The whole experiment scene seems to discard the whole idea of 'scientist trying to create life' in exchange for 'reckless person that just wants to blow things up.' Science requires measurements, maths, and calculations. To see a 'scientist' just randomly throwing cells into a vat shatters any suspension of disbelief simply on the basis that we see none of that. We don't see examination. We don't see care. We don't see the character seem to give two fucks about whether or not it's going to work; she just does it and hopes for the best. Then, we have another scene that, once more, throws out the whole 'scientist' idea for 'reckless person'. She's leaving an active experiment unattended. Basic high school science safety says not to do that. Now. The creature. Oh, the creature. First, it can't even understand language; then it suddenly learns how to mimic humans and take simple instructions? And you switch back and forth on this a few times alone before you ultimately decide that she grows up as quickly as possible. The data logs are chalk-full of numerous issues. They're a confusing mess that would take too long to go through in an already long review. For a scientist, Angela knows next to nothing about her chosen field (which, I'm inferring, is biology.) Stars aren't planets. Just another thing that a scientist would know. No, I'm not going to stop dropping the anvil that a scientist actually needs to be a scientist in order to be a scientist. Angela decides she needs to approach things 'less scientifically', despite not having been even close to scientific in the first place. Finally, we see the teenagers come back. You'd think the cops would get called by this point. Of course, these teens are all at least 30 at this point, what with her having been in prison for 20 years. So, her being used to them seems odd. Hell, them still being around is odd. Unless I'm reading it wrong, which is not hard to do because you have - again - not provided much elaboration. I'm going to try and put it simple. The story isn't good. There's a lot - and I mean a lot more that I could go through. I'm willing to bet that this your first story, no? Yeah, your half a year of effort did not turn out with the results you hoped for. But if you care about where your writing is going, that's not a bad thing. If anything, take it as a sign to study and improve. I'm going to go ahead and link some on-site reading material, but you have to take the initiative and research things for yourself. Creepypasta Wiki:Style Guide for Writing - Basic run-down on grammar and writing. Creepypasta Wiki:Writing Advice - Blogs written by our users detailing certain subjects. Category:Suggested Reading - Stories that extremely well written. Read them and learn from them. See how these authors do things and try to plant your feet. Don't just read what I linked you, either. Google writing resources. Learn from this. You only get better with practice and effort. Your Friendly Neighborhood Toddler (talk) 11:57, August 28, 2017 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 13:02, August 28, 2017 (UTC)